The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
