did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's blow job season.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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