nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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