if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
