He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
