all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
