just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
