Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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