She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You are the jesus of drinking
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
