I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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