i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
