a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
