the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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