piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
