I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize