I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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