Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
