Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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