dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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