youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
