Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
