The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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