ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
