You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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