Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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