Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
