I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
