your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
