I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Randomize
