It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize