Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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