U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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