Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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