I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
