from now on my penis is your penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
