this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
