and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
