He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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