Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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