Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
pop tarts are not kleenex
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Randomize
