My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
