my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
