Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize