You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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