so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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