Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
