i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
