if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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