did you get engaged???
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
