I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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