I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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