I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I will pee on everything he values.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
