I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize