The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize