so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
