Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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