Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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