Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
