Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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