I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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