I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
