Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Text me some of your sweat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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