you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize