Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
