I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
