Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How external is "for external use only"?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Randomize
